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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 9, 2015 2:05am-2:36am PDT

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i bring the gift of the name your price tool to help you find a price that fits your budget.
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uh-oh. the name your price tool. she's not to be trusted. kill her. flo: it will save you money! the name your price tool isn't witchcraft! and i didn't turn your daughter into a rooster. she just looks like that. burn the witch! the name your price tool a dangerously progressive idea. ♪ ♪ schick xtreme3. 3 flexible blades... ...that adapt to any contour... ...for extreme comfort. schick xtreme3. try xtreme3 ultimate. more glide, better comfort. free your skin.
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( cheers and applause ) welcome back to "@midnight." if you consider yourself a game changer, now you have a chance to create an "@midnight" segment. we want you to send us your bad prom photos like this one. look at that happy couple! >> i don't think that's bad at
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all! >> chris: she's kind of gotthis. on april 22 we're going to use your pics and unleash our panelists to unleash your photos on television history. tweet with the hashtag prom com. now it's time to play performance shark. ( cheers and applause ) there's nothing better than performance art. comedians, i'm going to show you a clip we found online of performance ayersts doing their artist thing and for 250 point i would like you to title the piece. this guy screaming at yellow paint. >> aarrggh! aaaahhh! >> chris: kristen. >> dad wouldn't let me be an artist! >> chris: points.
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will. >> mondays am i right? employ. point. next one, this one: and serving spoons. ( laughter ) will. >> that's a cold open for mcgruber 2. ( laughter ). >> chris: now you have to do it. now you gotta do it. points. horatio. >> check it out, mobey's working at the soup plantation. ( cheers and applause ) >> are you all right? >> i'm good. >> okay. >> chris: next:
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horacio. >> orange is the new blech. >> chris: points. will. >> this schnozberry tastes like schnozberry. ( laughter ). >> chris: it's time for our next game "subreddit and forgeddit." ( cheers and applause ) reddit is a question of the internet's deepest darkest secrets and desires. hilarious photos of old people and tricks. there's a reddit for everything you can think of and a subreddit for every nightmare you could have. which of these same rub reddits is real. erwhich one of those is real?
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will? >> ( bleep ) mustard. >> chris: i hope so. let's see. nope, erotic mayonnaise. >> i knew there was a chance it could have gone the other way. you know, you make your best guess. >> chris: now i just caint stop thinking about sweet ( bleep ) mustard. will, do you have any grep poupon. >> yes. >> chris: next up. let's push deeper. is this real subreddit hitler in socks all the times that asshole hitler was in sox or kim jong-un in women's sandles. kristen. >> i would like to choose kim jong-un in women's sandles. >> chris: thank you for giving your answer like english is your
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second language. the correct answer is hitler in socks. you know, sometimes she just likes to have fun. ( laughter ) >> chris: there is-- >> i don't-- i'm not comfortable with how adorable he looks. ( laughter ) please stop. ( applause ) >> i'm not comfortable with the fact that it was submitted by "he did nothing wrong." ( applause ) >> chris: that's the end of "subreddit and forgeddit." it's time for our live challenge "royal wedding." ( applause ) facebook was trending yesterday with the delicious flame broiled news that burger king has offered to pay for the wedding of an engaged couple, joel berger and ashley king the burger-kings. this is better than that time
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-- from this picture i'm assuming the only catch is they must keep a burger king logo covering their genitals as long as they are married. it is so great when true love and fast food find corporate synergy to come together. give a special b.k.-sponsored toast to mr. and mrs. burger king. we'll be right back after the break with more "@midnight." ( applause ) ♪ ♪ around the world, around the clock. in defense of all we hold dear back
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home. america's navy. what do you think? when i first sit in the seat it makes me think of a bmw. i feel like i'm in a lexus. you would think that this was a brand new audi. it's like a luxury car. feels kind of like an infinity. very similar to a range rover. this is pretty high tech. yeah it is. it reminds me of a mercedes. ♪ this is chevy? laughing i have a new appreciation for chevy. they thought about me. i could totally rock this. this thing feels pretty boss. it looks kind of dope.
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that's pretty cool. this is the jam. pretty bomb dude. maybe i will go chevy. i'm definitely in. ♪ ♪ ♪ and that's how they're made. ...no klondike ice cream meets candy bar. the best ice cream bar ever conceived.
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♪ ♪ schick xtreme3. 3 flexible blades... ...that adapt to any contour... ...for extreme comfort. schick xtreme3. try xtreme3 ultimate. more glide, better comfort. free your skin. ( cheers and applause ) ed with wek. >> chris:ed with>>.>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." >> may your love for each other be so great you'll want to yell from a mountain chicken fries are back! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: horatio. >> the fart wants what the fart wants. ( applause ) >> chris: will. >> as the president and c.e.o. ofofburger king i know great value
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when i see it and you two are going to make a great combo meal. look under your seats. you're getting a free hot ham and cheese! >> chris: 1,000 to will and 500 each to christian and horatio as we go to our next game. have you ever had to come up with an excuse to not have sex? nope, me either. but apparently, some people do it all the time. this week, huffington post published the 10 most common excuses to avoid sex. i mean, she's not having sex with him because she's leerl a douchebag. comedians i would like you to come up with as many excuses as you can to avoid sex. will. >> i'm sorry but i'm so full of hot ham and cheese. ( laughter ) >> chris: horatio. >> como se chewero penis.
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>> sorry, hon i just had a ton of sex across the street. >> chris: kristen. >> sure, we can have sex. >> my dick hurts! >> chris: points. a fair excuse, madam. kristen. >> oh no, i only do that for money. >> chris: points. that is the end of "not tonight i have an excuse." you're all going to will "for the win." as a group you're all going. >> why did you do that? >> i don't know. i was so happy! ( laughter ) >> chris: that means it's times to make a maya ange-loops.
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it's for the win. ( cheers and applause ) are you excited? >> has this ever happened before? >> chris: yeah-- no, no. never happened before. this is the first time this has ever happened. all right the u.s. postal service released a new mia angelo forever stamp-- a bird doesn't sing because it has an answer. it sings because it has a song. unfortunately, maya angelo never said that. she even has the expression, "thank you but that's not my quote." ( laughter ) ( applause ) that was a dirve author. that was actually a different author by the name of joan walsh england. but easy mistake u.s.p.s., you have stuff to do and letters to deliver. you don't have to figure out who says what. by the way, there are only a million and a half soul-stirring
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maya angelou quotes you could have picked. i want you to give other misquotes to put on stamps. we will have their answers and name a winner when meat sticks! oh yeah! oh... oh, yeah! oh...oh yeah. oh yeah! uuhh.... oh yeahhhh- snap into a tummy party. snap into a slim jim!
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mmmm, they made french toast out of banana bread, then topped it with candied pecans and bananas? it's like a match made in heaven. like bacon & eggs... ...oh look, bacon & eggs. the new banana bread french toast slam. denny's. welcome to america's diner. doug, we have the results, but first, we have a very special guest. come on out, flo! [house band playing] you have anything to say to flo? nah, i'll just let the results do the talking. [crowd booing] well, he can do that. we show our progressive direct rate and the rates of our competitors even if progressive isn't the lowest. it looks like progressive is not the lowest! ohhhh! when we return we'll find out whether doug is the father. wait, what? (bird & insect sounds) (tree roots being pulled up)
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discover nature ok! (tree roots being pulled up) i did nice. nice ♪ old spice whistle here's something you wouldn't expect from taco bell. crispy chicken breaded in tortilla chips, in bold sauces like mango bbq, bacon ranch, or chipotle. ♪ introducing taco bell's chickstar, the crispy chicken sandwich no one saw coming. [sfx: bong] ♪ taxes are your year, only much simpler. intuit turbotax. ♪ ♪ and that's how they're made. ...no klondike ice cream meets candy bar. the best ice cream bar ever conceived. ( cheers and applause )
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for, "for the win." i will telekinectically wipe your scores clean. wipe wipe, wipe. i will read the answers out loud, you guys will decide the winner as the studio audience. i showed you the postal service maya angelou quote she didn't say. i asked you to come up with your own quotes. ( cheers and applause ) next one: or last one, last one:. ( cheers and applause )
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number 3 was the winner. who was number 3. congratulations. you're the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours. we'll see you tomorrow night. or guests will be pete holmes, jamie lee, and matt mccarthy. become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @nerdist. good announcer (v.o.): previously on big time... we want you boys to move out and find jobs. you gotta be addicted to drugs! you gotta be addicted to drugs! you gotta be-- no, no, no... it's the truth i'm hooked on drugs. oh! no! your family wants you to go on a little vacation to our rehab facility. [diana] how did this happen? [ben] del. del? detective, this is my family. what am i supposed to do? here's a private investigator i can recommend. harvey scoles... hello? now that ben is gone i feel that it's my duty just to stay here and-- oh, good! your movers are here! what the f--

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